Naruto: Ultimate Ninja Stories 2: End of Honor
by Sonata-Time-Nocturne-Aoi
Summary: Complete! This is the direct sequel to the first Ultimate Ninja Stories. The Hidden Lead Village goes bankrupt? Jiraiya's a corrupt S.O.B. who resorts to even more perverted practices? The village gets invaded by Spider-Man? These crazy crack stories are what you'll find this humorous Naruto Universe! Warning: OOC runs rampant within. Rated T for strong language.
1. Introduction

**Story**: Naruto: Ultimate Ninja Stories 2: End of Honor  
**Author**: Time Master  
**Written**: February 20th, 2015  
**Genre**: Humor  
**Rating**: T (Crude Humor, Strong Language, Violence, Strong Suggestive Themes)  
**Disclaimer**: I do not own Naruto or its cast of zany ninjas.

* * *

(The camera pans to a newsroom in an undisclosed location within The Village Hidden in the Leaves. Behind the news desk were our two favorite anchors: Kakashi Hatake, and Might Guy, wearing usual grey business suits for this job.)

**Announcer**: And now for more of the most reliable news anywhere, this is The Hidden Leaf Village News At Five! And here are the Head Anchor and Co Anchor duo: Kakashi Hatake and Might Guy!

**Kakashi**: (Sighs) I don't know why I agreed to this a second time.

**Might Guy**: Come on, Kakashi, cheer up! Relaying the news to our people is a huge honor! Think of the good we are doing to the citizens!

**Kakashi**: Not to burst your hyperbolic bubble, but have you actually read the reports given to us?

**Might Guy**: Uh…no, actually I haven't to be honest...

(Might Guy grabs the pile of news reports sitting in front of him and sifts through them, his eyes widening in horror as he read)

**Might Guy**: My god! These stories...are horrible!

**Kakashi:** See what I mean? These are some of the most asini-

**Might Guy**: (Cutting off Kakashi): I'm not mentioned in any of these stories until the very end! Oh what dread! Oh what wasted opportunity and use of my dynamic talent!

**Kakashi**: (Glaring his eye at Guy) ...How about I give you a dynamic jab up your ass, One Thousand Years of Death style?

**Might Guy**: (Smiles nervously and gulps) Yeah, good point…no pun intended I mean, but nonetheless...

**Kakashi**: AHEM! On to the list of stories we will be covering tonight following this introductory page…

* * *

**Dishonorable Reports Part 1: Ultimate Bankruptcy**  
**Featuring**: Jiraiya

**Dishonorable Reports Part 2: Ultimate Fornication**  
**Featuring**: Sakura, Ino, Hinata, and Temari

**Dishonorable Reports Part 3: Ultimate Exploitation   
****Featuring**: Naruto and Sasuke

**Intermission: Commercial Breaks**  
**Featuring**: The Hidden Leaf Ninjas

**Breaking News: Naruto vs Spider-Man**  
**Featuring**: Naruto and Spider-Man

**Breaking News: Naruto Pisses Off Lady Tsunade**  
**Featuring**: Naruto and Lady Tsunade

**Investigative Reports: Might Guy's Carnival  
Featuring**: Might Guy &amp; The Akatsuki

* * *

**Might Guy**: Just like our last broadcast, we will return to you with updates and new info on how the characters are faring after their circumstances. Sounds riveting, right?

**Kakashi**: We'll see how long you will keep your sanity after each of these stories are completed.

**Might Guy: **Naah, I can handle anything! Bring it on!

**Kakashi**: Oh, you sound so confident then? Then why are you sweating profusely all around your co-anchor chair and your side of the desk?

**Might Guy**: …It's a medical condition…leave me alone.

**Kakashi: **(Shakes head) Right…

**End of Introduction**

* * *

**Next: ****Dishonorable Reports Part 1: Ultimate Bankruptcy**  
**Please review!**


	2. Ultimate Bankruptcy

**Dishonorable Reports Part 1: Ultimate Bankruptcy**

* * *

**"Everyone, Konohagakure Village has gone bankrupt"**

The adult leaders of the Hidden Leaf Village stand within the office of the Hokage discussing the financial crisis they were all in.

"**What? What do you mean bankrupt?"** Asuma says in utter disbelief.

"**I thought our village had a surplus of funds to last for at least twenty years!"** Might Guy says, scratching his head in confusion.

"**We did…but it suddenly disappeared overnight," **Kakashi stated as he read his Makeout Paradise booklet.

"**Any ideas on who might have stolen it?"** Anko asks around.

At that moment, Lady Tsunade bursts into the office, literally kicking the door open, looking huffy and angry.

"**Stupid slot machines! Stupid rigged Poker table! Stupid expensive lobster dinner!" **she says out loud before stopping to realize that various people were in her office. Everyone looks at her with a disapproving glare, as they all now knew where their money went.

"**Ohhh shit…Um…I can explain…?"** Lady Tsunade says to them with a hesitant look.

Before she could answer, she was unceremoniously thrown out of her fifth story window by all of the adults, watching her as she tumbles down and lands in an open dumpster.

"**Well then…since we can no longer trust Lady Tsunade with the responsibility of managing our money, who are we going to hire in her place?"** Might Guy asks.

"**Well, none of us are really qualified…since we all carry some sort of criminal offense from the past…"** Kurenai says, looking a little embarrassed to admit it.

"**Oh man…don't even bring it up last year's Strip Club incident…"** Iruka hastily says.

_"**Sooooo...you guys are looking for a new leader eh?"**_

Everyone in the room jumps as Jiraiya appears behind them, with no prior hint or indication of his sudden arrival.

"**Where the hell did you…never-mind…so you want the job as the new head of the Hidden Leaf Village then?" **Asuma inquires.

"**Damn straight! I have tons of ideas on how to get this place back into financial shape!"** Jiraiya ensures them.

"**Well…I guess if no one else is qualified…"** Shizune says, a bit hesitant to let him be leader for a while.

"**Great!"** Jiraiya says as he began to shove everyone out the door. **"You just leave everything to uncle Jiraiya. I'll get Konohagakure flowing with money within seven days!" **he tells them as he slams the door shut behind them.

"**Heheh…now my perverted fantasies can finally be realized. These ninjas are all screwed starting tomorrow,"** he says with a menacing and conniving grin.

* * *

**Stay tuned for the next chapter! Please review!**


	3. Ultimate Fornication

**Dishonorable Reports Part ****2: Ultimate Fornication**

* * *

The next morning, Jiraiya, the new head of Konohagakure, wasted no time in preparing to use some of the ninjas around the village in his dirty scheme to make some cash.

The first group he summoned to the Hokage's office were Sakura, Ino, Hinata, and Temari.

"**Um…you called for us?"** asks Temari, as she and the other girls file into the office.

"**Ladies! So glad you could come! Listen, as you might have heard, Konohagakure is a little short on cash at the moment, so I was thinking you four could be a part of a little fundraiser I had in mind,"** Jiraiya says to them, sporting a big cheesy smile.

"**A fundraiser? That sounds like a good idea!"** Hinata responds optimistically.

"**What kind of fundraiser exactly?"** Ino questions the pervy sage.

"**Well, all you have to do is stand on a corner, look pretty, and assist any guy who comes by,"** Jiraiya says bluntly.

"**Sounds boring. Besides, I'm not even from this village, so why should I care?"** Temari responds to him, arms crossed, looking completely uninterested.

"**You'll be paid lots of money, based on your…performance,"** Jiraiya says to them, waggling his eyebrows.

"**Money? Well in that case…"** Temari says, starting to reconsider.

**"Okay, I guess we'll do it,**" Sakura says with a shrug.

"**Excellent! I knew I could count of you to give ol' uncle Jiraiya a hand! ****Now, just slip on these outfits and you'll be ready to go!"** he adds, pulling out a box of clothes and giving them to the girls.

* * *

**An Hour Later…**

* * *

An hour had passed, and all four girls were standing on the street corning wearing makeup, skimpy clothes, and other seductive-looking attire.

"**Um…girls…does this seem right to you guys?"** Hinata says, looking rather unsure of what she was doing.

"**Hmm…as a matter of fact…this does seem a bit strange for a fundraiser…"** Ino responds, cinching up her short skirt that was, in fact, too short. **"Jiraiya really should of asked us what our clothing sizes were before giving these tight things to us!"** she adds, fussing over her outfit.

"**What's wrong ladies, afraid to show a little skin?" **Temari taunts the other girls.

"**No, its not that! Hey wait, you enjoy this sort of style?"** Sakura questions her.

"**Heh, at least she's not wearing those ugly fishnet stockings that ride up her ass…"** Ino whispers to Sakura and Ino with a chuckle.

"**Um…I'm standing right here…"** Temari scoffs, rolling her eyes.

At that moment, Shikamaru approaches the girls from around the corner and looks at them up and down before speaking.

"**What in the world are you guys doing?"** he asks, boredom in his voice.

"**Oh, hi Shikamaru! We're fundraising!"** Hinata says to him with a smile.

Shikamaru smirks, trying to contain his oncoming laughter of their idea of fundraising.

"**Um…hate to break it to you, but what you're doing is called Prostitution,"** Shikamaru says to them.

"**Prostitution? Sounds like some sort of cancer…"** Ino responds, scratching her head.

"**No, you're thinking of _prostate_. What you are doing is called _Prostitution_. It's when girls like you stand on the corner and wait for some pervert to come and pick you up and get into your pants, so to say…"** Shikamaru explains.

All four girl's eyes flew open in shock while their jaws nearly hit the ground.

"**WHAT? YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS!"** Sakura shouts at him in disbelief.

"**Whoa…really? Wow…wish I had known this earlier…"** said Temari, a bit humbled at the revelation.

Moments later, a long, dark tinted limo drove up next to the girls and stops next to them. The back window rolls down, revealing Orochimaru on the inside.

"**Hmm….this is rather interesting. I'll take the shy one,"** he says, licking his long snake-like tongue at Hinata.

Hinata shrieks in horror at the realization of what she and the other girls have gotten into.

Shikamaru yawns and turns away from the group.

"**Well, you girls have fun, I'm off to take my nap," **he says, waving at them before disappearing from sight.

The girls all look at one another and gulp.

This was not going to be fun day for them.

* * *

**Stay tuned for the next chapter! Please review!**


	4. Ultimate Exploitation

**Dishonorable Reports Part 3: Ultimate Exploitation **

* * *

A couple hours had passed, and Jiraiya was already raking in the cash from the girl's little venture just outside of the office.

It wasn't until Naruto stopped by for a visit where things got even more interesting.

"**Hey, Pervy Sage, how's it going? Heard you're subbing for Grandma Tsunade**," Naruto says as he walks into the office.

"**Ah, Naruto, my trustworthy apprentice…you came at just the right time**," Jiraiya says to him with a wide grin.

"**Huh? What is it, Pervy Sage, a new mission for me?"** Naruto asks, getting excited at the thought.

"**Uh...sorta. For this mission, you'll be paired up with Sasuke…"** Jiraiya continued, only to be interrupted.

"**WHAT? I HAVE TO WORK WITH THAT JERK! FORGET IT!"** Naruto protests, crossing his arms in resilience to the idea.

"**Relax kiddo, this won't even take long at all**," Jiraiya reassures him. **"Hey, Man Servant, come in here!"** he then calls out toward the hallway.

Seconds later, Saskue enters the office, wearing nothing but a black speedo and a black tie on his bare chest. **"Yes, Master?" **he says in a monotone voice.

Naruto's jaw hit the floor in complete disbelief at what he was witnessing. Since he was at a loss for words, Jiraiya continues.

"**Boys, I need you both to go out into village square and setup a booth there,"** Jiraiya instructs.

"**What exactly do you want us to do?"** Sasuke asks.

"**I'll fill you in on the details later. Now, both of you go on! I've got money…er…I mean, we've got money to make," **Jiraiya says to them, standing from his seat and shooing them both out of him office.

_**"Man this is just too easy! Why didn't I think of using these idiots before?"**_ Jiraiya says to himself with a chuckle before returning to his desk.

**Later...**

"**So uh…what are we doing again?"**

Standing behind a curtain on a custom-built stage that sat in the middle of the village, Naruto, now wearing a speedo and tie himself, stands dumbfounded at what was about to go down.

"**You and me are going to put on a show,"** Sasuke states, waggling his eyebrows.

**"Uh…what kind of show exactly?"** Naruto insists.

Before he could get an answer, the curtains fly open, revealing over one-thousand girls crowded around the stage. And, on cue, techno porno music began to play from out of nowhere.

"**Ahhh! What the heck is going on here?!"** Naruto nearly screams, realizing that he and Sasuke were about to put on a strip show with…nothing else to strip.

"**Here are our two sexy hunks, ladies! Want to see them dance before you? Naruto can multiply the fun using his Shadow Clone Jutsu, so there's plenty of fun for everyone!"** announces Grandma Chiyo, who apparently was the MC of this showcase.

"**Aw man!"** Naruto groans, knowing there was no way out of this since he was under contract by the Pervy Sage.

After all, this was technically labeled an 'X-Ranked Mission'.

**Later That Night…**

Back in the Hokage's office, rolling in the cash he has made by having the younger ninjas do his dirty bidding, Jiraiya lets out a laugh of pure satisfaction that his plan ultimately worked after just a single day.

"**See, I told everyone my ideas would help the village earn money once again! And with the haul from the job that Naruto and Sasuke have raked in, I can treat myself to dinner and an All-Night Pass to the local Harem House! Ah, it's good to be me,"** Jiraiya says with glee.

* * *

**Announcer**: And now a news update from The Hidden Leaf Village News At Five!

**Kakashi**: Hello, Kakashi Hatake here.

**Might Guy**: And the peerless pinnacle of Might: This Guy! Get it? 'Might', this 'Guy'?

**Kakashi**: Don't make me hit you again like I did in the last fic we hosted…

**Might Guy**: Hey come now, lighten up! Us 'Guys' just 'Might' see eye to eye on things if we…

(Kakashi uppercuts Might Guy in the jaw, knocking him out before he finished his sentence)

**Kakashi**: Ahem, and now for a news update from the bankruptcy situation in Konohagakure. Despite Jiraiya using unconventional means to raise money for the village, his efforts proved to be effective, as the village was soon out of debt. However, growing unrest of the younger citizens continues to rise due to the lewd and illegal services they have been conscripted to follow in order to keep the village afloat.

(Might Guy slowly gets up off of the floor)

**Might Guy**: How in the world…were we not aware of this earlier, Kakashi?

**Kakashi**: You dragged me with you on a pointless hiking trip that same afternoon Jiraiya was elected into office, remember?

**Might Guy**: …Oh yeah…well, at least my prized pupil Rock Lee didn't get caught up in that scandal…

**Kakashi**: (Pulls out a dirty photo of Rock Lee while under the instruction of Jiraiya and shows it to Might Guy)

**Might Guy**: …I think I'm going to be sick… (Passes out behind the news desk)

**Kakashi**: …Told him he couldn't handle the truth. Ahem, that does it for this story. Now for a short commercial break.

* * *

**Next: ****Intermission: Commercial Breaks**  
**Please review!**


	5. Intermission: Commercial Breaks

**Intermission: Commercial Breaks**

* * *

**"And now a word from our sponsors!"**

*The news broadcast switches from the studio to an assortment of commercial clips*

* * *

**Commercial #1: Make-Out Paradise**

*The screen pans to a large hot spring resort where Jiraiya stood in nothing but his towel around him. He approaches the camera and starts singing*

I'm a man of great wisdom  
Jiraiya is my name  
The author of Make-Out Paradise  
A series known for its fame

I study the ladies closely  
For they are the subject matter  
I think that most are sexy  
For myself I live to flatter

Many who read my series  
They always ask for more  
That's why this coming summer  
For them I have in store;

Make-Out Paradise The Movie  
The title of the pending smash hit  
All the guys will love it  
On top of royalties I will sit

Say, do you know of any ladies?  
I need some for my flick  
Cute, sexy, hot and dreamy  
I'll take any chick!

* * *

*The next commercial starts, with a promo of a show called 'Behind The Scenes: The Good, The Bad, &amp; The Ugly Lives of our Ninjas*

**The Good**: Jiraiya stops in at a new pub within Tanzaku Town.  
**The Bad**: The patrons suddenly start getting real interested and cozy with him.  
**The Ugly**: It's a gay bar.

**The Good**: Naruto prepares to fight a somewhat worthy opponent arranged by Kakashi Sensei.  
**The Bad**: Kakashi accidentally sent in the incorrect forms.  
**The Ugly**: Naruto ends up fighting against Gamabunta.

**The Good**: Konohamaru finds a coupon for a free all you can eat BBQ buffet at a local restaurant.  
**The Bad**: He uses the coupon for himself, but finds out later it belonged to someone else.  
**The Ugly**: It was Choji's.

**The Good**: Sakura sees Sasuke and asks him out on a date.  
**The Bad**: Ino happens to be nearby and tries to convince Sasuke to go with her instead.  
**The Ugly**: Gaara already asked Sasuke out. Sasuke agreed.

**The Good**: The Third Hokage prepares to appoint a new teacher of the Ninjitsu arts.  
**The Bad**: This particular person suddenly has to move out of the Village.  
**The Ugly**: Obito is appointed as the new instructor.

* * *

*The next commercial starts, showing a promo for the reality series "Jackass: Naruto Edition*

**A Friendly Game?**

**Kiba**: Go get the ball, Akamaru! (Tosses a ball for Akamaru to fetch)  
**Akamaru**: Bark! (Runs up and bites Naruto in the nuts instead)  
**Kiba**: WRONG BALL AKAMARU, WRONG BALL!

**Neji's Feminine Side**

**Choji**: Shikamaru! I saw Neji wearing women's clothing!  
**Shikamaru**: What a drag…

**Hinata Sees More Than She Wants**

**Hinata**: Time to use my Byakugan at full strength!  
**Neji**: I wouldn't do that if I were you…  
(Hinata uses her Byakugan ability at full strength anyways, resulting in her being able to see through Neji's clothes)  
**Hinata**: …Oh my…! I didn't know it so small…  
**Neji**: Stop that!

*The commercials end, and soon the next story would start*

* * *

**Next: ****Breaking News: Naruto vs Spider-Man**  
**Please review!**


	6. Naruto vs Spider-Man

**Breaking News: Naruto vs Spider-Man**

* * *

It was an average day like any other in the Hidden Leaf Village.

Naruto was on his way toward the Ramen Shop to get him a bite to eat before his next training session with his squad.

Unbeknownst to him, he was being watched.

**"Man I'm starving! I'm going to stuff my face with ramen before training,"** Naruto says with an anticipating grin as he heads down the street.

Seconds later, the owners of the ramen shop appeared a few blocks down the street with an announcement.

**"ATTENTION EVERYONE! DUE TO OUR RAMEN SHOP BEING LOW ON INGREDIENTS, WE HAVE ENOUGH TO SERVE ONE MORE PERSON BEFORE WE CLOSE EARLY FOR THE DAY!"** the owners announced.

Naruto's eyes fly wide open upon hearing the announcement.

**"ONE SERVING LEFT!? I GOTTA GET THERE QUICK!"** Naruto yells with disbelief.

**"Not before me you won't!"** says a voice nearby.

**"What?!"** Naruto says, looking around to see where the voice came from.

Naruto eventually looks up to see a guy dressed in a blue and red costume, clinging onto the side of a building.

**"Who the heck are you?"** Naruto calls out to the man.

**"The name's Spider-Man. And I've got a date with a hot bowl of ramen. See ya!"** Spider-Man says, before leaping off the building and web swinging down the street.

**"WHAT?! OH NO YOU DON'T!"** Naruto yells back, now giving chase to Spider-Man.

Naruto leaped from building to building trying to take the fastest route to the shop.

**"Ha! That Spider-dweeb will never be able to get there before me!"** Naruto says, smiling to himself.

**"Is that so? Well, hate to say you're wrong, but…you're wrong,"** Spider-Man says, web-swinging right beside Naruto.

**"Hey! How'd you…GAH!"** Naruto shrieks, as Spider-Man shoots a clump of web into Naruto's face, causing him to miss the next jump and fall off the building as Spider-Man continued to swing toward the Ramen Shop.

Now landing on the ground near the shop's entrance, Spider-Man was about to step inside…

**Biff! Smack! Pop! Kick! Bam! Crunch! **

…when several of Naruto's shadow clones jumped him from behind and began to beat him up, while the real Naruto, with a wide grin on his face, casually walks inside and sits at the counter.

**"Heheh, one bowl of ramen please!"** Naruto says to the head cook, whose back was turned to him.

The man turns around and reveals to be Spider-Man instead, wearing a chef's outfit.

**"WHAT THE HECK?! I THOUGHT I…"** Naruto yells in disbelief.

**"Sorry, we don't serve kids who beat up on others and gets away with it, especially me"** Spider-Man says…

**CLANG!**

…before slamming a very large soup pot onto Naruto's head and kicking him out of the restaurant.

**"With him taken care of, it's time to eat,"** Spider-Man says, signaling the real chefs to come and take his order.

The owners step out from the kitchen and approach the counter.

**"I'm sorry, sir, but we just sold the last bowl of ramen already,"** said the female owner.

**"WHAT?!"** said Spider-Man and Naruto, who was now running back inside the restaurant.

**"Who did you sell it to?!"** Naruto demands.

**"Why, Konohamaru!"** the male owner responds.

Both Spider-Man and Naruto turn to each other.

They both were having the same idea.

**"Temporary truce?"** Spider-Man asks.

**"Sure why not,"** Naruto says.

**Minutes later…**

**"WAAH! WHY ARE YOU TWO CHASING ME! I DIDN'T DO ANTHING!"** yells Konohamaru, as Spider-Man and Naruto were both chasing the little kid down the streets of the Hidden Leaf Village for making them both fight over each other for nothing in the end.

* * *

**Announcer**: And now a news update from The Hidden Leaf Village News At Five!

**Kakashi**: Hello, Kakashi Hatake here.

**Might Guy**: And the mightiest man that ever manned: Might Guy!

**Kakashi**: …Right….anyways, now for a news update on today's disturbance within the Hidden Leaf Village. A strange masked vigilante known as Spider-Man and the young Ninja in training Naruto Uzumaki were arrested on assault charges against a young kid after a supposed altercation involving a shortage of ramen noodle soup. The suspects were released later that evening on bail.

**Might Guy**: What a crazy world we live in. Masked freaks, undisciplined kids, what's this world coming too?

**Kakashi**: No different from the ones we deal with on a daily basis.

**Might Guy**: …Oh yeah…well, you are absolutely right…by the way, that Spider-Man person has an awesome sense of fashion. I should dress up as he!

**Kakashi**: Please don't. I would rather not want to bleach out my eyes if I see you in that getup. Ahem, that does it for this story, now onto the next….

* * *

**Next: ****Breaking News: Naruto Pisses Off Lady Tsunade**  
**Please review!**


	7. Naruto Pisses Off Lady Tsumade

**Breaking News: Naruto Pisses Off Lady Tsunade**

* * *

Lady Tsunade was in Tanzaku Town's Casino blowing her money on a slot machine. Down to her last quarter, Tsunade knew she had to win big on the next game.

**"Come on, let Lady Luck be on my side!"** Tsunade says, holding her quarter up in the air.

Suddenly out of nowhere, Naruto appears right next to Tsunade.

**"Hey, Grandma Tsunade, I wanna ask you something!"** Naruto says to her.

**"YAH!"** Tsunade yelps, startled by the fact that Naruto snuck up next to her. This sudden surprised caused Tsunade to accidentally tosses away her last quarter. Both she and Naruto watch as the quarter rolls across the floor and drop into a vent on the ground.

**"Um…whoops…"** Naruto says with a nervous laugh.

Tsunade slowly turns around toward Naruto with flames in he eyes, obviously pissed off at him for making her lose her last gambling quarter.

**"Uh…Grandma Tsunade…your eyes are kinda red…some eye drops would clear that up quickly…eheheheh…"** Naruto says cheesily, now backing away from her slowly.

It wasn't long until Naruto was seen running for dear life outside the casino with Tsunade close on his tail ready to pound him to a pulp.

Naruto was already out of breath trying to evade her relentless advance. Not only that, he was looking very beat up and disheveled as well.

Stepping tiredly into the gates of the Hidden Leaf Village, he flops onto the he ground.

"**Oh man…I've been chased through the Land of Waves, the Sound Village…the Sand Village…why won't Grandma Tsunade just leave me alone?!"** Naruto says in between breaths.

To his dismay, Naruto looks up to see that Lady Tsunade had caught up with him in the distance.

"**Oh no…I'm so dead…"** Naruto says with a whimper.

Naruto lies down flat on the ground, when a villager approaches Naruto and looks down at him.

"**Oh my...poor kid...here's a quarter for your troubles,"** the villager said, leaning down and giving Naruto a coin before walking away.

Naruto immediately sat up after receiving the quarter.

"**What the…?"** Naruto says, but before he could say another word, Lady Tsunade zipped up to him and snagged the quarter from him.

"**Thanks for paying me back. You are now free to go,"** Lady Tsunade says before walking away, whistling along the way.

Naruto eyes twitched at the fact that all he had to do to stop her rampage was to give her another quarter.

He flops back down on the ground and started laughing, which soon turned to tears of frustration.

* * *

**Announcer**: And now a news update from The Hidden Leaf Village News At Five!

**Kakashi**: Hello, Kakashi Hatake here. Might Guy is unable to help report on this story (Thank God...), and is instead on special assignment in another region. Anywho, here is a news update on today's second disturbance within the Hidden Leaf Village. Naruto Uzumaki was admitted to the psychiatric ward of the local hospital after claims of harassment and emotional trauma from someone he is unable to name at this time. When we receive updates on his condition, we will report it.

Ahem, that does it for this story, now onto the final news story of the night...

* * *

**Next: ****Investigative Reports: Might Guy's Carnival**  
**Please review!**


	8. Might Guy's Carnival

**Investigative Reports: Might Guy's Carnival**

* * *

**Announcer**: And now a news update from The Hidden Leaf Village News At Five!

**Kakashi**: Hello, Kakashi Hatake here with a special segment tonight on our news program titled "Investigative Reports". In this report, we take you undercover into the underground societies within our world. My co-host, Might Guy, is live near the hideout of the Akatsuki within an undisclosed location. Might Guy, over to you.

* * *

The scene changes over to Might Guy, standing in front of a large barricaded gate in the middle of a dark and spooky forest.

**"Thanks, Kakashi! Now, as explained, I am here in this mysterious location to infiltrate this base of operations and hopefully get the inside scoop of the villainous terrorist group known as…"** Might Guy began to speak to the cameraman before he is interrupted by a voice behind him.

**"AHEM! What in the hell is the press doing at our hideout?!"** Black Zetsu proclaims in anger.

Might Guy spins around to face the miffed Akatsuki member.

**"Oh, hi! Say, have a couple minutes to do an interview?"** Might Guy says with his trademark sparkly smile.

Before he could react, Black Zetsu rears back and launches a devastating punch right at Might Guy, knocking him out cold on the spot.

Hours later, Might Guy wakes up tied to a chair within the Akatsuki's hideout. Once his eyes began to focus, he sees that he is surrounded by every member of the Akatsuki, including those who were supposed to have died earlier in the Naruto timeline.

**"So, this is the bastard you reeled in from the outside. Looks like a Hidden Leaf Ninja,"** says Nagato as he paces around Might Guy.

**"That is correct,"** Black Zetsu responds.

**"Now tell me, why the fuck is his accompanying cameraman being kept alive this whole time?!"** Nagato proclaims, pointing to the cameraman who was still shooting video of this scenario.

**"So we can broadcast to the world on what happens when a Hidden Leaf spy tries to nudge themselves into our affairs,"** Kisame responds.

**"Indeed, we'll torture this poor sap on live television to set an example,"** Obito says.

**"Hey now, guys and gals, you don't want to do this to me now, don't you? I mean, let's all be reasonable folk and talk this out. What do you say?"** Might Guy says, sweating at the brow.

**"Hmm, let me think about it – NO!"** Sasori responds.

**"Allow me to have the first blow. I'll light this trash up in a huge artful explosion, hm?"** Deidara suggests.

**"I say we give him a thousand paper-cuts and let him slowly bleed,"** Konan suggests.

**"Or…-OR- you can have someone in your group explain what your moonlighting job is!"** Might Guy interrupts, speaking directly to Konan.

**"….What?!"** Konan responds, raising an eyebrow.

**"Moonlighting job? What is he babbling about?"** Itachi responds, shooting a glare at Konan as well.

**"You know, 'Mistress Konan' has a side job as an Escort in the Hidden Leaf Village, isn't that right?"** Might Guy instigates.

**"WHAT?! How did you know about this?!"** Konan blurts out, before clapping her mouth shut, realizing what she had just revealed.

**"What the shit?! Is this true?! How dare you expose yourself to society without our consent, you work for us and us only, Konan!"** Sasori yells out at her.

**"I needed more money! You guys won't pay a female Akatsuki member equal pay! Instead you have people here like Deidara here who gets bonuses to help feed his stupid art addiction!"** Konan protests.

**"Hey, HEY! My hobby is not stupid! Besides, I can make better use of paper than you anyways, you empathetic little harpy!"** Deidara shouts back.

**"Enough you two!"** Nagato responds. **"We are getting off track!"**

**"Yeah, less arguing, more killing! And besides, since I'm more qualified in torture techniques, I should get the first stab at him!"** Hidan proclaims.

**"Hey, back up you zombie bastard, you don't deserve that honor you newb!"** Juzu retorts.

**"…Did he just call Hidan a newb?"** Orochimaru snickers in amusement.

**"Hold your tongue you snake-in-the-grass asshole!"** Kakuzu responds!

**"You are all incompetent fools, you know that?"** Itachi grumbles from the back of the crowd.

**"I SAID ENOUGH!"** Nagato roars, silencing everyone in the compound. **"No more of this foolishness! Now focus and let's decide as a team on how to kill this incompetent…"** Nagato begins to say, before he and everyone notices that Might Guy had escaped. **"WHERE THE FUCK IS THAT FRUITY-BASTARD NINJA?!"**

**"I think he slipped under our nose and fled, along with his cameraman,"** White Zetsu responds.

**"NO SHIT, ASSHOLE!"** Nagato proclaims. **"Everyone, I'm going to kick all of your asses in making me and this organization look bad on national television!"**

* * *

_Back In The Hidden Leaf Village's News HQ_

**Might Guy**: And there you have it, folks, that presentation concludes my investigation of the Akatsuki. I do think it's safe to say that they are a mob of incompetent idiots who will pose no threat to our nations. Back to you, Kakashi!

**Kakashi**: You know, I still cannot believe you pulled that farce off without fail….Ahem. Well folks, that concludes tonight's news stories. Thank you all for tuning in. I'm Kakashi Hatake.

**Might Guy**: And I'm 'Mighty Sexy' Might Guy! Good night, folks!

Kakashi backhands Might Guy, knocking him out of his chair in response as the lights dim within the studio.

* * *

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